I have a hole in my head. A tree grows in Brooklyn. And there's also one growing by my ear, it starts with the little hole in my head and leads all the way up to my right eye, with the risk of leaving me with a palsy. Scary as that sounds, now that they want to take it away, I'm not happy. There's a hole on the other side too, except that one doesnt lead anywhere. An entire tree is growing in the side of my head and it must be removed. I dont want it removed, even though it causes me a bunch of problems. I quite like the idea of it.
When I was little, I was completely taken in when my older sister told me that if I swallowed the pips from apples and satsumas, a tree would start growing inside me. I would sit at the kitchen table picturing it, sprouting from a tiny seed, being watered as I had my cereal and drank my juice, growing slowly every day. Would the branches need to come out of my ears? how tall would they grow? I can vividly recall placing my hands on my stomach, trying to estimate how my tree-pregnancy was going. It was bitterly disappointing to find out I'd been conned. There would be no tree. But it turns out, after all that, she was wrong. I do have a tree. It's uniqe, it's inside me. And now they want to take my party trick away. My uniqueness.

" Chop 'em down, chop 'em down..."

I always cry when I leave the doctors surgery. I have absolutely no idea why. I could go in for a cold and cough or chest pain, but i always get a bit teary when I leave. It's mainly because the only person there is to ask 'how it went' or what the doctor said, are my parents. And I'm grateful and appreciate that they're there for me. Too many people dont have that. And I love both of them, a lot. But there's nobody else to call. I emerged from the Specialists office, a diagram of my tree in tow, thinking of surgery and hospitals, feeling a little sorry for myself. I reached for my phone but realised there was really nobody to call. It's not significant enough to call this friend for, this one's away, this one's with her boyfriend, this one lives abroad, oh so does this one and that one and anyway what would i say? im having an operation, its in no way life threatening just a bit scary? I miss having a 'person' you can tell that stuff to. Who'll listen, just because its you and they love you. I'm 24. Where are they?

In true Copycat stylee, I've discovered that even the very name of my own blog is copied. Dortster, i do hope you'll forgive me. You are the true Orange Jew. I knew i knew it from somewhere... Plucked from a little cabinet drawer at the back of my mind. The Dorty Drawer.

Today I am mostly nervous that W will call up and I'll answer. This is mostly because he DID just call up and I didnt answer, J did. I'm an idiot. What a mess I made of that whole.. episode. And there's a whole 3 months to go of hoping the next phone call wont be awkward and weird and that i will turn crimson in front of colleague-types. But '3 months' also reminds me that it's 3 months til I'm free.

Freedom. Israel. Escape. Newness. Deep, relaxing intake of breath...

Am also, today, laughing inside that BB is actually going to come to London and actually want to see me and I'll actually have forgotten what he looks like.

oh *sigh* (nod to KC, weird Singaporian roomie of yesteryear) Is it possible to rewind? To start over? I've made a mess of a lot of things. Frienship things. Boy things. I'd go back to age 14 and just start all over again. Make different decisions. Annoying characters in equally annoying movies will say "...and if i could go back, I wouldnt do things any differently." Rubbish. I'd do it ALL differently! But we dont get to rewind. I made my bed. And now this one's married, this one has kids, this one hates me, this one hates women...
And O will tell me this is the way things are meant to be. I would even tell myself ("It's all in Hashem's hands, fool") Because this HAS all happened for a reason. None of them were IT. Not Five Children and It. IT. My zivug. HE. The one O will rush up to yelling "Where have you been?! I've been waiting for ages!"

It's all about forgiving other people, at this time of the year. Maybe I also need to learn to forgive myself. But accept blame. Embrace the blame. But it's also not always my fault. See how it could get confusing, being this way?