There are moment when I don't know what kind of G-d I believe in. I'm trying so, so hard to do the "right" thing - the right thing according to my heart, to my belief system and to my
G-d - to live a lifestyle guided by Torah and mitzvot, to understand what the "right" thing even is according to Judaism. I can say, with my whole heart, that I am TRYING. I'm also crying. I'm crying as I write because I just don't know what He wants anymore. This can't ALL be a test. We are tested, we are challenged. One's entire life can't be one long test or one long challenge, even the greatest tzaddik would crumble. And I'm just me. Just me. I've struggled with shabbes, with kashrus, with understanding what's expected from me as a modern woman within a religion where women appear to be sidlined. I reached a place after a long journey where I could embrace all that had been passed down to me, sifting through the uncomfortable parts and understanding how I fit into this rich tradition. I was there. I AM there, still. I don't know now how long I will last, in this place where I am stagnant and yet expectant of more. I didn't imagine I'd be in this place alone, for very long. All I want is to continue on this journey with somebody, to pass the flame of Torah and modernity onto my children. I always suspected it may never happen and as I lose faith continually as the weeks, months pass and I don't meet anybody "special"... I begin to imagine a life alone. At 26, this is a sticky, hard thing to swallow. When I see how happy my friends are to have somebody to share the journey with, I wonder why I would even begin to try to do it alone. I can't imagine that Hashem would be fine with me giving it all up, chucking it all away, shacking up with a nice-but-doesnt-love-me-Israeli who appreciated art and my sense of humour, but won't keep Shabbat. I don't know a person like that and I don't want that life. I don't. But how will I survive a religious life, alone? The secular world embraces people like me, I'm still normal in that world. The religious life rejects me in my singleness. I can never progress, never move onto another stage of life as a religious singleton - there is simply nowhere to move to. As a secular person, I would be free. So what kind of G-d do I pray to, that presents me with this choice? That allows me to even contemplate it? Why hasnt He struck me down for toying with the idea of giving it all up, just so that I don't have to die inside at 10,000 more shabbat tables where I'm the eldest, saddest single person? And where has my faith gone? I used to believe in love, in destiny. Until about 5 hours ago I think I did. I contemplate leaving for good. That's a place I haven't visited since, oh .. 1996? I realise the selfishness latent in this idea. I won't do it. But I need Him to know, I thought about it.